Thanksgiving was ok. It was not as bad as I thought. I had a really bad cold however it felt as if Dajon was right here beside me. It helped to know that he was ok as well. I'm busy with school work and getting another blog together, sorry I did not intend to go this long without posting.

Dajon told me today he is very thankful for my support. He said he looks at all the dudes who come into the jail and do not realize they'll return. He says he has been in their shoes. He was given breaks and more than a second chance, but at the time he thought he knew what he was doing. He thought he was fulfilling a purpose, now he understands God had a different plan for his life. He has never made a promise to me because he knows I do not believe in people making promises they can not keep. But he has made a promise this time to himself, God, and his family that HE WILL NOT RETURN TO PRISON. Its tough but I have to let him fight this battle alone. I do not mean alone....I'm leaving.....I mean I'm no longer giving him advice. He has to teach himself what HE wants to make of the rest of his life. I will stand by him through thick and thin, but I feel that I spent the last 4 years fussing and stressing the importance of freedom.

When Dajon was home and I was waiting for election day, I remember telling him to get his life in order so he can one day stand in line with me to vote for the President! I remember us working on his resume and me teaching him computer skills. He never got the hang of using the computer but he can tell you quick "go online and see if you can find..........", so he knows that technology is where its at. I have asked him to take computer classes and any other higher education courses they have to offer once he is in the federal system.

We're not giving up. There are a lot of influential people in life that have spent time in jail or prison and come home a better person. Martha Stewart didn't let it stop her, she started teaching people some of the skills that made her rich and famous. Everyone has something to offer. Everyone has something they do not know. Dajon has children who will one day make him a grandfather and he needs to be able to share his experiences but with a happy ending. If mentoring is something he comes to do then we will welcome Gods plan.....he has yet to fulfill that plan.

Keep your head up. Being separated by bars should not be the end of the road.

Thanksgiving Is Coming!

The time is near to give thanks to God, family, friends, co workers and everyone who you feel have given you a reason to be thankful. While we are all spending time visiting from house to house, do not forget those who are unable to move around as freely as they would like.
I found this cute card at Hallmark, and it said Just wanted to share Thanksgiving dinner with you, but how do I fit this turkey leg in this card!!! It was funny, sweet and thoughtful. This will be my son first Thanksgiving without his father. We will get through it because we all have faith. The only thing that will be missing is Dajon's physical appearance, but his spirit will be sitting at the dinner table right along with everyone else's! We will sit at the table and share a fond memory from last year and when Dajon calls, I'll share that laugh with him over the phone. I know Dajon better than anyone on this earth, sometimes even better than his mother, and definitely better than he knows himself, but the point I'm making is that Dajon will not complain on Thanksgiving. He will pray that his family is safe and happy. He'll ask God once again to forgive him for putting his fate in the hands of other men but he'll also apologize to me and I have forgiven him long ago so it really wont matter but it will make him feel better.

I ask all of my readers who have a friend or loved one behind bars to remember them this holiday season. If you haven't reached out to that person in awhile, take a moment to send a card, a letter or just a simple prayer after you read this. Many men and women in prison do not have anyone to think about them, and the only family they have is the family they have gained while locked up.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

Keep your spirits up!

Hello all. I just wanted to take the time to remind my readers that we have so much in life to be thankful for. Although we are supporting a loved one who is in prison we still should not let that damper our spirits. I had a few down days recently and Dajon has been checking on me to lift my spirits. I had to laugh at myself later, because it was rather selfish of me to complain to a man who has lost his freedom. During our conversation he made me realize how lucky I am to be able to watch our son grow up daily, tuck him in bed every night and kiss/hug him whenever I want. I had to take a moment and apologize because he is correct. It was a lesson learned. I should also be thankful that my son and I still have his father in the flesh regardless of where he lives right now.



Thank God everyday for allowing us the chance to still be able to communicate with our loved one. Thank God for telephones, pen/paper, stamps, and visitation rights. If your loved one is in good spirits don't ruin that moment with your complaints. Don't make him/her feel worse than they may already be feeling but have some how asked God for forgiveness so that they are able to move through this new chapter in their lives. I spoke with a woman not long ago who has 2 children in prison and a grandchild in prison. She visits all 3 and she keeps them on the prayer list at church every Sunday. Not once during our conversation did she complain. She was very uplifting and I enjoyed my conversation with her. She told me some people let their own lives slip away trying to support a loved one in prison. She asked me what does Dajon expect of me during his time away. It didn't take me but a second to answer her. I said happily all he asks is that I continue to raise our son the best I can and when things get rough reach out to him and other family for help! She said to me, he is a good man. Those were my last thoughts of this woman and she doesn't even know him. I took her comment to mean that if he hasn't set his expectations too high, I shouldn't either and that would help me through my bad days.



Remember all things are possible through God and the day you give up on him is the day you have given up on everything else in life as well. Its okay to complain but if you talk to a person who has limited freedom inside and no outside freedom and they never complain , then maybe you have to reorganize your priorities. Life is too short to spend a lot of time thinking about the bad days, we all have them but we all need to learn to move past them.



Living with incarceration from the outside is no less painful than living with it from the inside.

When the sky is the limit....you shouldn't be ashamed

It's been awhile since I've been asked a question that I didn't know how to answer when I first heard it. Dajon asked me if I was ashamed of him or our situation. Had he asked me if I was ashamed of him I would have immediately said No, because I'm not. But I had to think about the question. I had to think about how to respond. I had to ask myself again the same question he had just asked me. Then I told him how I felt. I told him that I loved him and that I was not at all ashamed of our situation. In fact I have so much more respect for him as a man and as the father of my child. The respect came with the changes he made before this incarceration. The respect came the day we made the promise to always remove our son from our own personal differences so that we could give him all the love and support parents should give their children. The respect came the day we sat in the doctors office during my pregnancy and said we would never address each other as 'baby mama' and 'baby daddy'. There are so many examples I could give however the greatest of them all is when he accepted responsibility for his past actions in the streets. This acceptance is the only way to live. Like I have said before change doesn't start the day you come home, it starts the day you go to prison.

During this conversation we again spoke on shame. He asked me why is it that all the celebrities and people who have the opportunity to be seen or heard through the media talk about their successes but they never speak about their mistakes/failures. Dajon has had the last 8 months to reflect on his mistakes and the greatest lesson he has learned is that he never truly accepted his faults. He never took time to reflect on how his bad decisions have caused him to miss the chance to pursue some of his dreams........He would have made a great chef, and still can someday. Dajon had many many positive changes in his life. I'm really proud of him and where he is in life. I'm not proud that he had to learn certain lessons in life from behind bars however I am proud that he is not giving up on life. I am proud that he realizes he has a purpose in life. Proud that I have given him more than 1 reason to want to come home and stay home forever. I can not be ashamed of a man who has asked God to forgive him, asked his family to forgive him and he him self has forgiven the person from his past that truly brought about this case. A man who he hasn't seen in almost 3 yrs. Dajon has a good heart and his inner peace allowed him to forgive in order for him to be forgiven. I can't be ashamed of a man who already is looking forward to coming home and starting over vowing to never go back. That is a vow he has never taken before. That is a vow that was shared between him and the only man on this earth that can judge him, God. So who am I to shame him?

My final response was NO, baby I am not ashamed of you. I am not ashamed of our situation. This situation will make both of us stronger because it's different this time. I can't turn my back on him, ever because hat would be like turning my back on our son. i can't turn my back on him because I still have work to do. The same way he support my decision to further my education, it is now my turn to support him and help him pursue whatever advantages he is able to gain.
The sky is the limit. All things are possible through Christ. Prison separates you from the people you love and being separated by bars is not a reason to be ashamed.

untitled

I got a message from an associate who basically needed to let out some frustration. I was happy to read her thoughts and after I read them I realized her thoughts are real. She didn't want to hear I told you so from her friends and I am not the I told you so type of person. Her frustration is that she has a friend who is in prison, like myself, and she thought he had changed. I'm sure that happens a lot. I can't speak for her situation but I think she is learning on her own that her friend has not learned his lesson.

Dajon I can say with a huge smile has changed. I can say this because of the changes that had been made well before 2009 even came in but most importantly I can say it because of all the times he has gotten in trouble with the law, he has never said, I'm never coming back. He now knows and says he will never go back, and yes I believe him. He is missing precious years of our son's life. This is nothing new to him however he never wanted to go through missing these years with another child, but he is. As I have said before going to prison will take you away physically but only God can take you away mentally.

The will of the prisoner can not be the day he comes home from prison. The will to change and never go back has to be the day he goes to prison. Prison offers something a lot of people don't have, time to reflect on your entire life and the decisions you made to get to where you are today. Sure we can all do that but how many of us do it? Prison is not the time to feel sorry for yourself. The time for that was when you were doing the crime. Prison is not the time to fall in love with someone else; but the time to fall in love with yourself. Dajon is at a place in his life where he experienced a lot of great things in life that he never paid attention to in the past and he just watched it all be taken away. Dajon is in a state of mind where he is at peace with his mistakes and is ready to accept his punishment like a man and not like the coward he had been in the past. I use the word coward because that is what he says of himself, when he was doing wrong he was acting like a coward and not a man , and I must say I agree, and I'm thankful he figured it out on his own.

Dajon has made up in his mind that he is not going back and I have made up in my mind that I will help him in any way that I can to accomplish that. I will send him encouraging words, I'll send him topics to research. I'll ask him to write down his goals each month and what he wants out of life as a changed man. These are all things he has to work on now. He tried working on it after the fact last time and as we see he didn't focus very well.

So anytime you feel your loved one is not on track and has lost focus remind them why they are there and how they got there. Remind them that they have allowed man to take their freedom
and your support is based on the fact you and the family are expecting to see a change. If the prisoner never recognizes they did something wrong they name never feel the need to change. If they never accept responsibility they will always be separated by bars!

The Visit

It's not easy to visit an inmate. Don't ever let anyone tell you it is, if so they are either lying to you or to themselves but either way it's not the truth. It takes a lot out of you. It takes time out of your day and it also has an emotional uneasiness in your life. Not everyone is cut to visit someone behind bars. I'm not. I don't like knowing at the start of the visit that when I leave, I'll leave the same way I came, alone. I don't like looking at the sadness in his eyes, because I can see right through him, knowing he is doing all he can to look happy to see me. Oh he's happy however he is sad because I am sad. He is upset with himself for putting me through this, and he is angry that it is just a visit. I try to find the right words, and honestly there aren't any right words. I try to hold back the tears and this is probably the easiest thing for me to do because when its time to say goodbye, I never can. The visit always ends with "call me"! I often find myself lost in the visiting room because I know its not a place I would ever want to be, on the other side; but I find myself lost because I look around me and the people are all so different. Mother's, wives, children, friends, girlfriends, clergy men, aunt's, uncle's, grandparents, etc all there to visit their loved one. Know matter how different we all are I'm sure we all leave the same, empty. Why do we leave empty when we should be thankful? We should be thankful because while we are visiting our loved one behind bars, someone else is visiting there loved one in the grave, and we should be thankful that isn't us.

It's important to use the visiting time for positive intent. The inmate really doesn't want to be seen in the jail/prison clothes but he/she has to deal with it. They really don't want to be seen unshaven, skin breaking out from hard water, or tired and worn out, but they make it through the visit. They make it through the visit because it's a chance to see you and its a chance to get a break from the other inmates they are currently forced to live with everyday. It's a chance for a different type of fresh air, not the kind of fresh air we are use to but the kind they have gotten use to! So make your visit the best. Each visit should be treated as if it were your last. Talk about funny things, talk about something that will send him/her back to their environment feeling like the luckiest person on earth. The feeling may not last long but at least for that moment the inmate has taken his mind off of his/her problems and has had a chance to focus and reflect on something beautiful. Nothing is beautiful behind bars, I imagine! The feeling you will have will also be just as beautiful and for the moment you will take your mind off of the situation as well. The feeling may not last long and the same goes for the vi sting of your loved one. One day he/she will come home. If you haven't already started to prepare for that day the time is now, not once they come home. This is going to be the hardest lesson to learn and I'll discuss this at a later date. For now remember to take pride in every visit. It's not easy being separated by bars and Living with it from the outside.

How Strong Am I?

I think once a week I am told I am very strong, or they admire my strength. I wonder why we never see in ourselves what other people see in us? Am I strong? Well lets see......I went to bed one night a very happy woman and my only worry as I laid in bed to fall sleep was the same worry I have had every night since July 2006, will I wake up to see my son another day, is he ok, is his room too hot/too cold, or simply let me give him one more kiss before I fall asleep; so again I went to bed a very happy woman and I woke up the same happy woman the next morning.....And an hour into the start of my new day, my strength was tested. The strongest I have probably ever felt in my entire life was the moment I realized something was wring, the moment I realized the life I knew was about to change. I wasn't scared, I didn't panic, I didn't even cry, but he did. It was the look of unwanted defeat that ran across his face before he opened the door to let the start of a new beginning. The look on Dajon's face told me the only thing I could do was show him I was the strong black woman he knew me to be.

So again I have to ask myself why is that everyone can see my strength except me! Dajon use to always say let my strength be my weakness and let my weakness be my strength! I'm still working on that! All I know is I try. i have a son to raise and explain everything he needs to know and wants to know about why things are they way they are. If I fall apart who will take care of him? If I get sick who will take care of me? You all call it being strong, I call it too much pride! if you all knew the weight I am carrying trying to be strong. The key word is trying, because a strong person doesn't have to try, they just are. I want to one day see this strong person and tell her thank you for getting me through the changes.

Its amazing how Dajon and I are connected. The connection go far beyond sharing the life of our son together. When I start to fall apart it is Dajon who picks me back up. Even from behind his bars he still is a man. He still has the ability to encourage me to move forward and live my life in a respectable way and continue to teach his son. He is still a man who wants to be strong for me from behind bars, so this strong black woman that everyone sees lets, falls back because being separated by bars can weaken a person's soul if they start to feel helpless. Continue to support your loved one. Love, support, hope, and freedom are the only things they have to hold on to.

single parenting

My son got sick at daycare and they called me, I've always been the first person on the list and his father has always been the second person, however usually I would get the call and have his father pick him up. Its not the same anymore. Now when they call for a minute I am stuck because I can no longer call his father, but then I say as usual someone will be there to pick him up, and now that someone is me! So I have to take off from work for the day and nurse my son. This is new for both of us because even he knows this is not how it is supposed to be. When he gets sick he wants his daddy, when he gets upset he wants his daddy and when he goes to sleep he wants his daddy. He still says mama can I call daddy and I now have to say no sweetie, daddy will call you when he gets the chance. He simply says ok, but I can see it in his eyes he doesn't understand these changes. I try to keep it somewhat the same for him. We send daddy drawings for the week and we send daddy the daycare menu for breakfast, lunch, and snack. I try to do whatever I can to make all of us feel connected in some way. Dajon said the other inmates tell him he is lucky because some of them don't even know how their children are doing and he tells them it isn't luck at all it's how well we communicated when he was home. This isn't Dajon's 1st or 2nd time but his 3rd time and I have been his friend throughout each incarceration, the difference this time is that we have settled down and started a family together. Dajon's concern is that he always knows what is going on in our son's life while he is away, because he didn't always know how his other 2 children were in the past, that is a different story and truly isn't relevant to our story. Today I just want to remind my readers that you have to put yourself in your loved one's shoes. They didn't want to leave and I'm sure they realized that if they didn't change their situation God was going to change it for them. Being separated by bars isn't easy by far but if we continue to communicate mentally we don't have to feel separated. The phone calls can add up so invest in a few hours a week to take the time to write a letter. As for the midday phone calls that my son is sick, I have decided to reach out to my friends who's work schedule is a little more flexible than mine and I have restructured the daycare emergency list. My biggest challenge is reaching out to my family and friends for help for the little stuff as I call it. I never had to but I guess at the end of the day I thank God my son still has his father even if he is physically not home with us everyday at least he can still help me raise him, in a different way.

Changes I had to make

From the minute our son was born in 2006 I've had help. Raising our son was never about what my job was as a mother or his job as a father, it was always shared and equal responsibility. Our son has never been seperated from either of his parents, unless it was a vacation. When my soul mate, Dajon was arrested this year it changed everything, but most of all it changed our son. Can you imagine going to bed and waking up wondering where your father is, the man who tucked you safely in the bed every night, the man who rocked you back to sleep in the middle of the night, the man who fixed your breakfast in the morning, before taking you to daycare. That's right you can't imagine it however I'm living it. Suddenly the tasks Dajon had became mine along with the tasks I already was doing. I now had to change my morning routine, the daycare schedule, and most importantly to me righ now, my status as a fulltime student, i am now part time. This delayed my graduation by a semester but I can live with that. When our son gets sick I can no longer tell the daycare to call his father or we make the decision that he is too sick to go to daycare. Now it doesn't matter he hs to go becuase i have to go to work. I now wake up 45 minutes earlier than what I had in the past becuase I now have to get our son dressed and take him to daycare. I no longer can make a last minute hair appointment and call home and say can you please pick up the baby from daycare! Those days are long gone but not a day goes by that I know Dajon feels the many "thank you's" i send his way.

Living with incarceration from the outside is just as hard as the living with it from the other side of the bars. It'sa daily struggle for everyone, because it doesn't just affect the inmate but it also affects the inmates children, parents, Aunts, Uncles and friends.