The Visit

It's not easy to visit an inmate. Don't ever let anyone tell you it is, if so they are either lying to you or to themselves but either way it's not the truth. It takes a lot out of you. It takes time out of your day and it also has an emotional uneasiness in your life. Not everyone is cut to visit someone behind bars. I'm not. I don't like knowing at the start of the visit that when I leave, I'll leave the same way I came, alone. I don't like looking at the sadness in his eyes, because I can see right through him, knowing he is doing all he can to look happy to see me. Oh he's happy however he is sad because I am sad. He is upset with himself for putting me through this, and he is angry that it is just a visit. I try to find the right words, and honestly there aren't any right words. I try to hold back the tears and this is probably the easiest thing for me to do because when its time to say goodbye, I never can. The visit always ends with "call me"! I often find myself lost in the visiting room because I know its not a place I would ever want to be, on the other side; but I find myself lost because I look around me and the people are all so different. Mother's, wives, children, friends, girlfriends, clergy men, aunt's, uncle's, grandparents, etc all there to visit their loved one. Know matter how different we all are I'm sure we all leave the same, empty. Why do we leave empty when we should be thankful? We should be thankful because while we are visiting our loved one behind bars, someone else is visiting there loved one in the grave, and we should be thankful that isn't us.

It's important to use the visiting time for positive intent. The inmate really doesn't want to be seen in the jail/prison clothes but he/she has to deal with it. They really don't want to be seen unshaven, skin breaking out from hard water, or tired and worn out, but they make it through the visit. They make it through the visit because it's a chance to see you and its a chance to get a break from the other inmates they are currently forced to live with everyday. It's a chance for a different type of fresh air, not the kind of fresh air we are use to but the kind they have gotten use to! So make your visit the best. Each visit should be treated as if it were your last. Talk about funny things, talk about something that will send him/her back to their environment feeling like the luckiest person on earth. The feeling may not last long but at least for that moment the inmate has taken his mind off of his/her problems and has had a chance to focus and reflect on something beautiful. Nothing is beautiful behind bars, I imagine! The feeling you will have will also be just as beautiful and for the moment you will take your mind off of the situation as well. The feeling may not last long and the same goes for the vi sting of your loved one. One day he/she will come home. If you haven't already started to prepare for that day the time is now, not once they come home. This is going to be the hardest lesson to learn and I'll discuss this at a later date. For now remember to take pride in every visit. It's not easy being separated by bars and Living with it from the outside.

How Strong Am I?

I think once a week I am told I am very strong, or they admire my strength. I wonder why we never see in ourselves what other people see in us? Am I strong? Well lets see......I went to bed one night a very happy woman and my only worry as I laid in bed to fall sleep was the same worry I have had every night since July 2006, will I wake up to see my son another day, is he ok, is his room too hot/too cold, or simply let me give him one more kiss before I fall asleep; so again I went to bed a very happy woman and I woke up the same happy woman the next morning.....And an hour into the start of my new day, my strength was tested. The strongest I have probably ever felt in my entire life was the moment I realized something was wring, the moment I realized the life I knew was about to change. I wasn't scared, I didn't panic, I didn't even cry, but he did. It was the look of unwanted defeat that ran across his face before he opened the door to let the start of a new beginning. The look on Dajon's face told me the only thing I could do was show him I was the strong black woman he knew me to be.

So again I have to ask myself why is that everyone can see my strength except me! Dajon use to always say let my strength be my weakness and let my weakness be my strength! I'm still working on that! All I know is I try. i have a son to raise and explain everything he needs to know and wants to know about why things are they way they are. If I fall apart who will take care of him? If I get sick who will take care of me? You all call it being strong, I call it too much pride! if you all knew the weight I am carrying trying to be strong. The key word is trying, because a strong person doesn't have to try, they just are. I want to one day see this strong person and tell her thank you for getting me through the changes.

Its amazing how Dajon and I are connected. The connection go far beyond sharing the life of our son together. When I start to fall apart it is Dajon who picks me back up. Even from behind his bars he still is a man. He still has the ability to encourage me to move forward and live my life in a respectable way and continue to teach his son. He is still a man who wants to be strong for me from behind bars, so this strong black woman that everyone sees lets, falls back because being separated by bars can weaken a person's soul if they start to feel helpless. Continue to support your loved one. Love, support, hope, and freedom are the only things they have to hold on to.

single parenting

My son got sick at daycare and they called me, I've always been the first person on the list and his father has always been the second person, however usually I would get the call and have his father pick him up. Its not the same anymore. Now when they call for a minute I am stuck because I can no longer call his father, but then I say as usual someone will be there to pick him up, and now that someone is me! So I have to take off from work for the day and nurse my son. This is new for both of us because even he knows this is not how it is supposed to be. When he gets sick he wants his daddy, when he gets upset he wants his daddy and when he goes to sleep he wants his daddy. He still says mama can I call daddy and I now have to say no sweetie, daddy will call you when he gets the chance. He simply says ok, but I can see it in his eyes he doesn't understand these changes. I try to keep it somewhat the same for him. We send daddy drawings for the week and we send daddy the daycare menu for breakfast, lunch, and snack. I try to do whatever I can to make all of us feel connected in some way. Dajon said the other inmates tell him he is lucky because some of them don't even know how their children are doing and he tells them it isn't luck at all it's how well we communicated when he was home. This isn't Dajon's 1st or 2nd time but his 3rd time and I have been his friend throughout each incarceration, the difference this time is that we have settled down and started a family together. Dajon's concern is that he always knows what is going on in our son's life while he is away, because he didn't always know how his other 2 children were in the past, that is a different story and truly isn't relevant to our story. Today I just want to remind my readers that you have to put yourself in your loved one's shoes. They didn't want to leave and I'm sure they realized that if they didn't change their situation God was going to change it for them. Being separated by bars isn't easy by far but if we continue to communicate mentally we don't have to feel separated. The phone calls can add up so invest in a few hours a week to take the time to write a letter. As for the midday phone calls that my son is sick, I have decided to reach out to my friends who's work schedule is a little more flexible than mine and I have restructured the daycare emergency list. My biggest challenge is reaching out to my family and friends for help for the little stuff as I call it. I never had to but I guess at the end of the day I thank God my son still has his father even if he is physically not home with us everyday at least he can still help me raise him, in a different way.